July 6, 2008 was a black day for Cubs' nation. Despite beating the Cardinals and winning the best-of-three series against their divisional rivals, a solemn cloud hung heavy over the hearts of the Second City faithful. The first-place Cubs, wrought with talent, heart and moxie, were altogether snubbed by All-Star voters across the nation. A paltry seven players were selected for the mid-season contest, and this action begs the question: Why not the entire roster?

The seven selected to the game certainly deserve it. Ryan Dempster may not look like much more than the busboy you forgot to tip at Applebee’s, but he's got a cannon for an arm. Alfonso "Holleratchaboy" Soriano is a lethal combination of speed and smiles. Fukudome carried all of Asia in the balloting, and there are literally billions and billions of them (almost all of which own cell phones). And Carlos "I'll Eat You" Zambrano could not be denied a spot on the roster, for both professional and safety purposes. Like the Professor and Marianne, all of the rest are here on the Island of All-Stardom, but the other inhabitants are less than hospitable.

Lance Berkman? If Lance and Derek Lee ever got into a fistfight, Berkman could call it a career right then and there. He would limp away into even darker pits of obscurity, somewhere in the deepest bowels of Houston. Chase Utley is a nerd. Chipper Jones is having a great season despite his record four appearances on the Jerry Springer Show, so maybe he deserves it, but he deserves a flea collar too. It’s a little known fact that Ryan Braun is barely literate, and how can Bud Selig say he supports kids when one of his “all-stars” can’t even read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (a personal favorite from my first-grade days). Tim Lincecum looks like he should be playing on a little league all-star team somewhere near Des Moines, and Ben Sheets is someone I forgot about as I was writing this sentence. I think he plays with C.C. Sabathia. Or he’s a local politician. Or the kid who served me my delicious hashbrowns at Denny’s this morning. I can’t remember.

There was a notable list of people who were snubbed. Derek Lee is okay with it, but that’s only because he was just selected as the first player selected for the 2009 NBA All-Star game. Jim Edmonds was so furious that he grew a beard in eleven seconds and cut down eleven trees just to vent. Lou “Gotcha” Pinella, even though he is the skipper of the National League team, is still white hot after being snubbed, claiming he is still the best baseballer since Lou Pinella. Touché, Lou. And I think you speak towards the absurdity of the entire situation: even when the Cubs are one of the best in baseball, they still can’t catch a break.

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